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The Pivoter's Story Corner

Discussion in 'Personal Projects' started by The Pivoter, Dec 14, 2013.

  1. The Pivoter

    The Pivoter TheOfficialPivotex Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Free Rider 2
    I mean, that is a really kiddy name for a forum thread on TrackMill.

    Anyways, I am currently writing a story in my spare time. Kind of based off anime storylines. I will put up chapter drafts in this thread when I finish them, for criticism (Because I can).

    Also, you can suggest names for each chapter and the book.

    I also didn't create this thread because I saw Raptor's thread... wait, I did, but I didn't start writing this because Raptor started writing it. LOL

    Chapter 1:
    It was the first day of Grade 10 at Mount Aoki High School. I had put my bag away and was sitting with the Grade 10 cohort I knew for 2 years. I was sitting with my best friend Jack Casselberry and Laura Reid, my crush since the start of high school.
    I have been friends with Jack since Grade 5 of primary school, when we were in the same class together. One of his standout traits is his attention span when it comes to girls. He is always dating the hottest girls in our grade but his invitations for a serious relationship are always turned down, because he is always admiring girls in his spare time. He asked a girl out on a date on the last week of school last year, and she turned him down instantly, which was one of the famed moments of Grade 9. That girl’s name was Laura Reid.
    Laura is a pure girl who is insecure around guys. When I first saw Laura in Grade 8, when I first started high school, I couldn’t help but notice her all the time during the first week of school. She was very pretty, and her smiles melted my insides like wax. We weren’t in the same home class as we are this year, but we were in the same science class. On the fifth Friday of school that year, we were doing science experiments during science class. By then, we had gotten to know each other quite well. We were in the same experiment group.
    I asked her, “Laura, do you like me?”
    She replied, “Yeah, as a friend.”
    “I mean, ‘like’ like me?”
    “I mean as a friend.”
    Her response to my question that day kept me in a foul mood for a little while. I then realised she was quite picky on who she liked, and she wasn’t interested in relationships back then. Jack comforted me from that experience, as she was the first girl I had actually liked. He started dating girls in Grade 8, always being rejected. I started getting jealous of his constant popularity with the ladies, and when Grade 9 started, I had again become interested in Laura.
    In Grade 9, Laura was constantly hanging around with her childhood friend, James Andersen, like as if she was interested in him. There were rumours going around that they were dating, but by the second half of the school year, I discovered James had no romantic interest in Laura. He was gay, and after Laura discovered that, she was in the same situation I was in last year, when I asked her if she liked me or not.
    After that, guys started advancing on her, asking her on dates, asking her to be their girlfriend. It was a battle zone to see who got to give Laura her first kiss. Jack was one of those people, and unfortunately, for him, he was too late. She had already gotten sick of guys again. However, I was accompanying Jack when this happened last year, and of course I wasn’t interested in her then because of the Grade 8 experience with her, but she seemed to take some kind of interest in me. That gave me hope for this year of school.
    We were introduced to our new home class teachers for this year and our new heads of year. The new students in our grade this year were introduced as well.

    When that was finished, we were all directed to our classrooms. I was in the same class with Jack and Laura.
    Our home class teacher’s name was Mr Webster. He was the kind of guy who endured immense amounts of stress from the previous high school he previously taught at, Dunhill High School, notorious for misbehaving students, bad grades, laziness, drugs, pregnancy, sissy fights and dropouts. However, he seemed kind of relieved to have students like us for once.
    We were introduced to two new students in our class.
    The first student, Daniel Cromwell, was a nervous student who was noticeably antisocial. He was from Dunhill High, and he said he was force fed LSD back there by some scum kids, he described, and that scarred him terribly.
    The second student was Elizabeth ‘Lizzy’ Harris. She was very pretty, but it was not the sort of natural beauty Laura had. Instead, it looked like she worked hard to put up her image well. She was also a bit snobby and sadistic, but you could assume she had ulterior motives for that. She had come from a private high school, Brittany Girls College. You could have assumed she was a princess, but that didn’t explain why she moved here instead of stayed over there.
    Immediately Jack got curious and asked me, “Hey, Lachy, mate, do you think she’s my type?”
    “I don’t know, she looks like she is out of everyone’s league, and she is a new student, so she doesn’t know about your all too familiar trait yet,” I responded.
    “Laura seems to be taking a keen interest in you,” he said to me in a suggestive manner, raising his eyebrows the same way.
    “Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t, but I am definitely interested in her,” I told him confidently.
    “I might tell her that now,” he replied, rising up from his seat.
    “Nah, it’s alright, mate. Besides, you’re not supposed to get out of your seat in class anyways,” I reminded him, saving my own behind from humiliation.
    Of course, I said that just so I could prove my love for Laura by myself and not have anyone notify her of it beforehand, otherwise she will think of me as a creep.
    The bell rang, and we went to our first classes, Maths and Science. During those classes, we received our textbooks we needed for our education in those subjects. At morning tea, I decided to confess to Laura, and that decision would be a follow up to an even bigger event to come.

    Chapter 2:
    It was half past ten, when lunch started. I looked for Laura among the lockers, and I found her talking with Lizzy Harris.
    I went up to her and asked, “Laura, could I please speak to you privately?”
    “Yeah, sure, but why?” she replied, slightly nervous and with curiosity.
    “You’ll find out,” I told her.
    I took her arm and led her to a hallway in the Visual and Performing Arts Building.
    When we were alone in the hallway, she said, “Now, what is your business with me?”
    I took a breath or two, and I confessed to her, “Laura, I have been in love with you since we started going to this high school together. I have always wanted to be with you whenever possible. I have always wanted to help you whenever you needed it. I have always wanted to protect you from the dangers of this world. Do you love me back?”
    At first, her reaction was one of surprise, but she softened, her cheeks red and her eyes mellow, she replied, “Yes, I love you,” and with that, she leant forward, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me.
    I was taken aback by this response. I was expecting her to go on a date with me and we kiss then, but I guess I was wrong. This was also my first kiss as well as hers, so I wrapped my arms around her waist and brought her closer to me.
    We were in this embrace for ten or twenty seconds or half a minute or so, but we let go and slurped a little, as I tried to plant my tongue inside her mouth.
    “Thank you for confessing to me,” she said. “I was going to confess to you first, but you confessed to me instead. Now, you must know about… this.”
    And with this, she came forward and kissed me again, but was staring directly into my eyes.
    And that was when it happened. Her pupils started dilating, like as if I could see something in them, through them almost. Wait, yes, I could see something through them, as if she was trying to tell me something. However, it was as if I was drawn to those eyes, as if I couldn’t pull myself away, and they kept getting bigger, consuming reality.
    I looked around. It was night and I saw peaceful countryside scenery, with a single, solitary road slithering between it all. The stars were so bright, like miniscule beacons in the sky, with no moonlight to obstruct their presence.
    And then Laura appeared next to me like a hologram.
    “Laura, what is going on?” I asked her, like as if I had either started or finished the hallucinatory phase of LSD.
    “Watch this for your own sake,” she told me sternly, as if this were some serious matter.
    She seemed completely different. One minute, she was this cute girl who you wanted to spend time with. The next, she was cold, like as if she had no trust in anyone, as if she was empty inside.
    While I was pondering about that, I saw a couple of white vans drive past.
    They looked like normal delivery vans, but on closer inspection, they had the initials ‘SBC’ written on the side of each van.
    “Secret Brothers Corporation,” she said. “They are a criminal organisation. They are also the central subject of your mission.”
    “So, what is it that you want me to know about this Corporation?” I asked her.
    She kissed me again, and then I started entering yet another dimension in her eyes, which was very bright, very white, very sterile yet very contaminated.
    Laura appeared next to me again, in the same holographic manner as she did in the previous perceivable dimension.
    “What is going on here?” I asked her yet again.
    “This is a lab in the Northern Alpines. It belongs to the SBC, and who knows what gets created in here.”
    “Well, you’re implying that they are creating something that is dangerous. Am I right?”
    “Well, let’s say that they are engineering a virus for unknown means,” she explained to me.
    “Is it a computer virus or the real deal?” I asked her that question, hoping it was just a computer virus.
    “It’s the real deal.”
    At this point, I was wondering whether she had gathered this data from legitimate sources.
    “Lachlan, your mission is to prevent this virus from infecting everyone. However, this is easier said than done. You see, these are no ordinary people. They are a particular race of advanced humans with powers, known as Dark Nexus.”
    “So how are we normal humans supposed to fight against humans with superpowers?”
    “Let me explain everything first. Dark Nexus are the result of members of the normal human race being infused with lab created genes that program a Nexus person to become faster, stronger, more powerful, and regenerate quickly.”
    “Is that it?”
    “No. The original Nexus race consists of those who possess a spirit generated from within. Nexus people are aware of these spirits within them since birth and they can form a connection with them. The spirits provide them with numerous abilities, depending on personality, interests and other individuality factors.”
    “How do you know all of this stuff? Are you sure you haven’t read too much books?”
    “I know this because I am a Nexus.”
    “Whoa… are you serious?”
    “Yeah.”
    “Is it possible for me to get these powers?”
    “Well, there is one way…”
    And with that, I started waking up from the trance she put me under.
    “So, do you want the powers of the Nexus?” she asked me.
    “I am ready,” I responded.
    “Well, let me explain how this works,” she said. “Nexus are special in that they can create more Nexus people by simply transforming other humans into Nexus. We can generate spirit bases if we can achieve a particular ability, but I will get to that later. You also need to have the genes to be able to wield your Nexus abilities. First off, I need to infuse you with a spirit base I created, just for you. Blood to blood contact is also needed in this process.”
    “How do you plan on doing that?” I asked.
    “Oh, you know, with a little lip,” she said, with a playful, sexy voice.
    But we already kissed twice, which means…
    “So you’re saying, you already made me a Nexus?” I asked her, with slight shock and nervousness from the possibility.
    “No, I needed your consent first for this, which you already said ‘yes’ for,” she said reassuringly.
    Laura bit her bottom lip so that it started bleeding. She moved forward and wrapped her mouth around mine. She bit my lip as we were kissing, and our blood fused.
    All of a sudden, I felt a rush of energy flowing from Laura into my mouth and going down into my system. I started feeling as if I had been infected by something, a virus perhaps. It was probably too much for me to take, so I passed out.
    The last thing I saw was Laura’s blushing face, full of ecstasy, excitement and pleasure.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2013
  2. trexmasterrace

    trexmasterrace Assembly Line Worker

    sounds like youre writing about yourself make the main character more alpha i cant relate to it right now
     
  3. c3b4me

    c3b4me Remember when this place was once was something? Piston

    he already made a character after you James Andersen and i think the chapter should be called "a second chance" or something along those lines.
     
  4. The Pivoter

    The Pivoter TheOfficialPivotex Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Free Rider 2
    Well, I am writing about a character I made up similar to myself in some ways, and if you ask if my name is Lachlan, it is not.
    i don't get the first bit.

    and to summarise, this chapter is about him beginning high school.

    the genre is kind of a mystery, conspiracy, sci-fi thingo.
     
  5. Ailegy

    Ailegy Hugs :3 Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Cat Ninja
    dang. I've got a character named Laura in my story. I sorta stopped writing it again. Producing EDM is alot moar fun.

    Eh. The first thing that came to me head was 'school romance anime'. It may be a bit moar interesting as an anime but I hate novels like this. Aside from that you're a good writer. Unlike me you can actually set things out right (x_0). Oh and the start was boring. Actually the whole thing bored me but I don't like novels that start with something that might as well be 'Once upon a time...'
     
  6. The Pivoter

    The Pivoter TheOfficialPivotex Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Free Rider 2
    It's the first chapter.

    And it's some kind of conspiracy story. Kinda like Guilty Crown, kinda.

    And notice, Mount Aoki High School. #SteveAoki
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2013
  7. Ailegy

    Ailegy Hugs :3 Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Cat Ninja
    Guilty Crown had a good start.
    oh btw I finally watched Guilty Crown
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2013
  8. The Pivoter

    The Pivoter TheOfficialPivotex Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Free Rider 2
    Kewl. Inori Yuzuriha is hot. :heart:

    Anything I need to fix with this?
     
  9. Ailegy

    Ailegy Hugs :3 Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Cat Ninja
    Yeah, I thought she was going to be one of my favourite anime characters but part 2 ruined it for me. Still sticking with Yuno Gasai and Merry Nightmare

    no you're story was fine apart from the fact that it bored the **** out of me. Don't even ask me about these genres. I prefer action and adventure novels
     
  10. c3b4me

    c3b4me Remember when this place was once was something? Piston

    computer didn't quote trex properly it deletes massive amounts of words sometimes. and also so your saying your 13 to 14 go to a fairly big high-school and have a friend called jack if so why have you been following me.
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2013
  11. Ailegy

    Ailegy Hugs :3 Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Cat Ninja
    He also said the High School's name was Mt Aoki High so unless you go to there then calm your tits, no-one wants to be your stalker
     
  12. The Pivoter

    The Pivoter TheOfficialPivotex Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Free Rider 2
    what is the first bit about...

    i wasnt following you wtf
    #SteveAoki
     
  13. The Pivoter

    The Pivoter TheOfficialPivotex Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Free Rider 2
    New chapter up. Read the OP.

    Writing porn day and night (not).
     
  14. Ailegy

    Ailegy Hugs :3 Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Cat Ninja
    keep your hormones under control kid, this stuff only happens in animes :p
     
  15. c3b4me

    c3b4me Remember when this place was once was something? Piston

    and stories made by teens.and about the story nek minut wakes up in her rape dungeon.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2013
  16. _Raptor_

    _Raptor_ Trackmill Staff Mechanic

    Sex! Sex! Sex!
     
  17. The Pivoter

    The Pivoter TheOfficialPivotex Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Free Rider 2
    Exactly. I'm writing this and hoping I can send it to a Japanese mangaka to turn into a manga and anime.
    Things go wrong so quickly in one of those.
    wdf
     
  18. c3b4me

    c3b4me Remember when this place was once was something? Piston

    teen stories or rape dungeons?
     
  19. The Pivoter

    The Pivoter TheOfficialPivotex Mechanic

    Favorite Game:
    Free Rider 2
    Reip dungeon
     
  20. c3b4me

    c3b4me Remember when this place was once was something? Piston

    ohhh could have sworn it was the teen stories by the way you spelled rape wrong and if you want to have this made into a serious anime series then you need to put his thoughts in and the slight detail because right now it seems like a movie and by any chance is the girl going to die because if so you can see it coming from a while away.
     

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